the truth...

I have, in the past, been a bit put off by blogs that only talk about the writer's children, but I am at a point now in my life where if I am going to do anything in my spare time, it is going to be for my children. This blog is for them...a way to capture moments...but good and bad. I want to turn this blog into a blog book for them one day and I feel that they will cherish it when they are older.

I have also always used this blog to channel my feelings and emotions as I step through the phases of life. By no means do I want to air out all of my dirty laundry on here, but I also don't want to act like life is always a bed of roses!

 Parenting has it's ups and downs...mostly ups...but those downs are pretty intense! There are moments when I am not sure if I will stay sane. Moments when I feel like I am the only person in the world. When I am here by myself and Cal is gone day and night working at the hospital, and I have simply no one to call to come help me in this foreign county...I feel like losing it! Granted, I do have some very dear friends here, but they are mommies too, and are probably at home feeling the exact same way.

 There are moments of sheer ecstasy...when these sweet angels laugh at me and look at me like I am the queen of the world, and then there are moments of sheer torture...like when I am trying to pump and I am not making enough milk and both babies are screaming and Ava is barking and it is raining or cold outside and I still have to get dinner on the table and babies bathed and fed and bottles made and clothes washed and (oh yeah) MYSELF bathed and looking decent for my husband to come home! ha

 I have battled with breastfeeding like never before...and I am so determined to make it to their first birthday! I will do it if it kills me...but I am so over it! Please pray that keep the strength to go another mile! I have made it half-way! I can do this!!!! Cal keeps telling me that I have made enough milk to feed one baby for over a year...and he is right! That freezer would be full if there were only one baby...but to my avail...there is only 15 oz in the freezer..and I am a pumping FOOL! These TWO babies eat me out of house and home...and I wouldn't have it any other way!

 Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like I could not go on...then I looked at these sweet little faces...

...and I remembered what it was like when they were not here. Dark, sad days when I had no idea if I would have the joy of the trials of motherhood!  Days when I had no idea that I would be able to see my reflection in the child lying on the living room floor...but now I do!

 Sweet moments like this.....

They keep me sane!