Wednesday, September 19, 2012

clarifications! :)

I have to back up and make several clarifications....
OK, so after I posted the previous post, I got so many emails, calls, texts, messages, etc from people that I didn't even know read this blog! I was humbled, but also a bit embarrased, so I must clarify a few things!
The main reason I wrote that post was to just vent and I have always felt like writing was like therapy for me! I just love to pour my feelings out on paper (or computer screen) LOL. I am so appreciative of all of your kind words! I feel so blessed to have such supportive friends and friends that aren't scared to tell me the truth about how they feel about themselves as well. I feel like every momma in the world has felt like this at one time or another. Even if it is isn't about weight... I am sure that we all feel unatractive and "momish" at one point or another.
I realized something after reflecting on the post and also other's messages to me concerning the post. I don't think that I clarified that I was not talking about being pregnant with Reid as a reason for having more weight on me than normal... I was talking more about the weight that I put on with the twins. I WANT my belly to grown now! Trust me!! LOL I just didn't want to sound like a whiny baby about being pregnant... because that is not at all what I meant!
Also.... my "come to Jesus" moment was when I recieved a letter from a friend that literally took my breath away. She let me know that she was, in fact, that girl that was trapped in the first picture....
The girl in the cute dress with the wine glass that is waiting desperately for this...
(waiting for the husband as well) and then all of a suddent it hit me like a brick right between the eyes... When I look in the eyes of that girl in the top picture, I remember.... I remember a pain so sharp it can't be described with words. It was a pain that I didn't really know how to process. The girl in that top picture was trying to imgine her life never carrying children or even knowing what pregnancy would be like. I was wrapping my brain around what it would be like to adopt and accept the fact that I would not carry my own children. There is really no telling what thoughts were going on in my brain behind that smile in that picture. So... NO, I don't miss that girl every day... I might miss the figure that was a bit better than the one I am sporting now... ha... but I do NOT miss that girl! I am SO proud and happy and humbled to be having another precious life and 2 sweet little stinkers that call me MOMMY! That is what I dreamed of! That is what that girl in that top picture wanted more than anything in the whole world!

OK... with that said... I will leave with a few pics of those little blessings/stinkers.
1st day of school!
1st boat ride!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The REAL me

This is me... this is the me that I see in my head when I think of myself...
(this pic was taken just months before I got pregnant with J and L)
 ...and then, I look into the mirror, and I see this...
(ok.... i am crying as I type this)
This has been a huge pill for me to swallow. I don't want this post to seem in any way vain or ungrateful, because believe me, I am so very grateful. I just miss that girl in the above picture... A LOT... every single day! I am trying my best to grab a hold of who I am now, and love that person... but it is SO hard. I am exactly what I aways said that I didn't want to be, but at the same time, I AM exactly what I always wanted to be. It is bittersweet. I now have those 2 babies that are so happy to be testing out their baby brother's new crib in the pic above. I am so blessed to have another precious life on the way. I always wanted to be a mother, but I had "rose colored glasses" about how all of that would look.
All of that said... I have MAJOR body image issues that I have GOT to hand over to God. I have no idea why I put on so much weight when I got pg with the twins... maybe it was the bed rest, the artificial hormones, or genetics (surely not from my mom, though). I don't know why, but I straight up... BLEW UP! I always wanted to be that cute energetic, skinny mom. Most of my friends are that mom that I always dreamed of being, and I, for some reason am not! I tried SO hard after I had the twins... but nothing happened. Even breastfeeding didn't do very much. I did lose 65 lbs.. but I still had about 30 that just wouldn't come off. I am glad it didn't now... because Reid was secretly on his way.
I have had so many comments lately about my size, and I am not even talking about people that knew that girl in the top picture... I'm talking strangers and people that I just met. I just have to vent and write some of these comments down... Here are a few things I have heard as of late....

"OH! you are only 26 weeks, I thought you were going to say you were due next month"
"Wow! My daughter in law is just as far as you, and you are twice her size"
"Every time I see you, you are fat!" (a family member)
"OH! I saw pics of you on FB and you used to be TINY!"
"Adair.. now, I don't think you should get any bigger than you are now!" (a family member)
"Adair.... are you SURE this isn't twins too... it sure looks like it!"
"Does your doctor say he is worried... like, are you measuring big?"
"When you are done having babies... no more balloon shape! (insert laughter)"
The list goes ON and ON....

I have been sincerely shocked by the things that people will say! I still want to be pretty, and I want my husband to think I am pretty just like every other woman in America, but it is like people think that because I am pregnant, I have lost all of the woman that is in me. I just want to scream, "I AM STILL ME" I still have feelings and I don't want to hear that you think I am big.

I know all of the excuses and facts..... I am showing early, because my stomach muscles were torn from stem to stern bc of the twins. I had not lost all of my baby weight, etc, etc.... But now, my goal is to just embrace who I am, thank God for what He has allowed my body to do (which is more than I thought it could do), and move on. Yes! I DO have plans to have that muscle repaired and work like mad to get back to the healthy size that I once knew... but now, my goals for doing that MUST be different. I only need to focus on HEALTH... throw the vanity out the window.... but this will be a lifetime goal. God will have to do this through me.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

24 weeks

24 weeks pregnant with Reid
25/almost 26 weeks pregnant with the twins
I get chills when I think about where I was at this point in my pregnancy with Jack and Lucy... I started going in and out of the hospital at 23 weeks with the twins, so I do not have a belly picture for those few weeks. I am missing 23-26, and this is the only pic I have of me during that time... I was almost 26 weeks. I have no idea why Cal took a pic of me with that awful food... but this is the only pic I have! ha!
I had my glucose test yesterday and PASSED! yay!
I am actually 25 weeks at this moment while updating, and I just can't stop thanking God for such a smooth pregnancy thus far. We went to Mississippi and the Bahamas and KY lake this month... so it has been a super busy one! I am glad to be back home and here to stay probably until we move next summer. Reid will be here in about 3 and a half months in December, and then I do not see myself travelling with 2 yr old twins and a newborn by myself! ha! But you never know... I am crazy like that! :)
Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 24 weeks

Size of baby:  11.81 inches from head to heel — the length of an ear of corn and about 1.32 lbs.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I have gained 15 lbs

Maternity Clothes: mostly all maternity... some regular dresses and shirts still.

Gender: It's a BOY!!!

Name:  Reid Johnsten Laney
Reid is my maiden name and Johnsten is a nod to Cal late grandfather John Hozie Turner and his late Uncle Johnny. Also... Johnsten means "God's gracious gift" and I could not say it any better! :)

Movement: I feel him moving all of the time! It really is a new thing for me... with all of the contractions and with how squished J and L were.. I didn't get to feel them very much. This is so surreal to feel every little move!

Sleep: I'm sleeping pretty good! I am just tired of sleeping on my side... i love my tummy or my back.

What I miss: um... WINE!!!

Cravings: I have been craving more sweets lately! I am never really a sweets craver, but I have been lately!

Symptoms: a little heart burn and some sciatic nerve pain. yuck! I have felt a very few braxton hicks, but wouldn't have recognized them if I had not had so many contractions for so many months before. 

Best Moment this month: Snorkling, laying on the beach and enjoying life. I had a lot of moments on our recent vacation where I had to stop and reflect and just thank God over and over for allowing me the joy of pregnancy. Snorkling in the ocean during the same time in my pregnancy with the twins that I was being hooked up to IVs and monitors was a surreal and humbling feeling! I have nothing but gratitude!

Monday, September 3, 2012

20 weeks! Halfway there!!!

20 weeks pregnant with Reid!
20 weeks pregnant with Jack and Lucy!

So... now I can really tell which pregnancy picture is of me carrying twins vs a singleton! ha!
I still feel bigger than your avg 20 week pregnant person, but I have to remember how stretched my stomach was the 1st time.. and heck, it was just FIVE hot seconds ago that I was pregnant with J and L. ha! 
This pregnancy has been a breeze so far in comparison to my last. Taking care of the twins and feeling the yucky tiredness and other symptoms that go along with being pregnancy in general have not been all that fun, but I have no complaints! I am just so grateful for a healthy pregnancy this far and I am praying for only more health at this half way point. We had Reid's big 20 week scan and as the tech measured each little bone and brain measurements, etc... I just absolutely lost it, crying tears of joy as we saw our healthy baby boy squiggle and wiggle on the screen. Everything measured "perfectly" and we confirmed that he is still in fact a BOY! ha!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 20 weeks

Size of baby:  1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana and about 10 1/2 ounces

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I have gained 10 lbs

Maternity Clothes: mostly all maternity... some regular dresses and shirts still.

Gender: It's a BOY!!!

Movement: Cal got to feel Reid at 19 weeks- I feel him constantly! It is so different with just one baby! I can feel so much more!!! :) 

Sleep: I'm sleeping pretty good! I am just tired of sleeping on my side... i love my tummy or my back.

What I miss: um... WINE!!!

Cravings: I have been craving more sweets lately! I am never really a sweets craver, but I have been lately!  

Symptoms: no more throwing up at all! I have just been really tired and having a bit of heart burn.  

Best Moment this month: My favorite thing this month was watching Cal get to feel Reid! He didn't get to feel J and L much. I was contracting so much and they were so squished in there, they couldn't move much!