Thursday, December 31, 2009

putting it all out there....

Well, I have not been very open about all that Cal and I have been going through on this blog, because at the time I didn't feel like it was something that I wanted to air out to everyone. Now, this has become a part of me, it is a part of who I am and a part of who Cal and I are. I haven't been posting because my mind has been on this certain thing that I didn't want to talk about. Not talking about this now is like not talking about the color of my hair...it is just simply part of me now. I am understanding now that this is MY blog....a way to scrapbook our life together. If I can't be honest, then what is the point in even having a blog. This blog is a place where I can let my feelings out, and I haven't been able to do that for not wanting to talk about what Cal and I are going through.
OK....so here it is....
For 19 months Cal and I have longed for a child only to be slapped in the face each month with the sad reality that yet again, we will not be parents month after month. We knew that something wasn't right after about 6 months. We just felt it in our bones. We had our 1st test run one year ago TODAY. (how ironic) Here is a run-down of what has happened from the beginning:
June 06- Cal and I got married.
2 years later....
June 08- made the decision to become parents! We were so excited!
July 08- looking at nursery furniture...haha
August 08- started taking my temp every morning- AWFUL
September 08- thought it would happen anyday
October 08- has it really not happened yet?
Nov. 08- visit to OBGYN- he told us not to worry....HA
Dec 08- started to worry- not having normal cycles.
Dec. 31st, 08- HSG (dye test run)- all was clear :)
Jan. 09- taking temp. every morning, doing ovualtion predictor tests
Feb.09- 2nd visit to OBGYN- blew me off- told me it would happen
March 09- finally visit Dr. Long at ART fertility clinic
April 09- did the clomid challenge with artificial insemination (or IUI) (negative)
May 09- natural cycle with IUI (negative)
June 09- Gonal F with IUI (negative)
July 09- break
August 09- natural cycle with IUI (negative)
*diagnosed with morphology issues, retroverted uterus, endometriosis, and annovulation
September 09- IVF appointment
October 09- controlled cycle due to annovualtion
November 09- started birth control for IVF
December 5, 09- started drugs for IVF
December 19, 09- 2 perfect blastocysts were transferred
December 28, 09- recieved positive pregancy results~ but levels are really low- praying hard
December 31, 09- miscarriage- the babies are in Heaven now...
And, now you can see how this process has now become a part of me- this is who I am, and I will no longer be ashamed of this. We have been very hush hush about it for so long, but now I simply cannot act like it is not happening. We have lost 2 babies now, and we can't act like they were never here. They were VERY here....I could feel it in my bones....I KNEW that I was pregnant, and I was. I also knew in my spirit when that baby or babies left me and went to Heaven. I tried so hard to say positive, but I just KNEW. I think it is so cool that God lets us women just know these things. I can say now that I was pregnant....I know what it felt like for only a fleeting moment, but I know in my heart that God will bless us with a pregnancy that will go to full term and we will give birth to a healthy, happy baby.
I do want to acknowledge the fact that we have 2 babies in Heaven now, and we are parents, no matter what. We will never forget how God has held us during this time. His Grace is sufficiant.
still clinging:
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3: 20-21

13 comments:

Ballentine said...

Oh Adair. Thank you for sharing. I am praying for you, for your grief and also for a positive pregnancy test and a healthy full term baby too!! Are you on The Nest (www.thenest.com)? The message boards there are SO helpful!

Lamm said...

Sweetheart, you and your hubs are in my prayers! You are so very right about the fact that you are parents and that the babies are very much a part of your life forever. I had a miscarriage before Knox and still think about that baby. Take it easy and get plenty of rest during this time. Your body and mind need to heal for the next time you get pregnant! :)

What an amazing woman you are, and I know that with your amazing faith all things will fall into place for you. Alpha love, dear!

Preppy 101 said...

You and Cal are amazing, strong people. God will hold you through all. Glad you are sharing it with us. We are here for you anytime, any circumstances. Huge Hugs to you both as the New Year is going to hold wonderful things for you. Take care of yourself. xoxo

The Spann's said...

I'm so proud of you Adair - hang in there, you are RIGHT - God is the author of life and He will give it to you! Let me know if there is any way I can help.

Meg said...

I am so sorry to hear--that breaks my heart that you are a Mama of angels. I'm so sad for you. Even though I am sad for you, I still feel like you'll be a Mom of babies here. It just fits for you and I couldn't imagine anything different.

For all intent purposes I am praying for you and Cal as well as your babies in heaven. It'll happen--2010 is a new year.

Happy New Year.

Wigtons said...

You and Cal are such an inspiration to me and so many others. Your faith is so strong and God has big plans for you two. I know in my heart that you will soon be parents (magnificent parents, I might add). Stay strong my dear friend!

Neicy said...

I am so amazed at the FAITH you two have in JESUS FAITH. The KNOWLEDGE that you have in HIS CONTROL is so unbelievable. You have always had such WISDOM from HEAVEN but today as a grown lady - WISDOM seems to flow out of you like a river. The calm assuredness that you have is obviously given to you supernaturally from God. I am so grateful I can call you MY DAUGHTER!

Mrs. Wade said...

Adair,
You have two precious babies smiling down at you and Cal from heaven. Please know that you are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing! You are much stronger than I.

God bless and love,
Ashley

Samantha Ebert said...

Oh Adair, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I do understand, and would love to meet for coffee if you need to talk. Email me.
Samantha

*Jill* said...

Oh Adair I am so so sorry. I've been wondering about you but had not checked your blog. Sweet girl I am praying for your family. Many hugs from just up the road ;)

To A T said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Adair!! Lots of prayers for you and Cal!
((HUGS)) and lots of them!

Life at the White House said...

Just read this and had to comment and offer this scripture.....

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

You sound like a very strong woman and will have an adorable family! Take care of yourself!

Blessings!
Darci

Natalie said...

Adair,

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I have a book recommendation for you: Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss. It really helped Damion and I during our miscarriage. It's not something people talk about, but pregnancy loss and fertility struggles are real, everyday issues. You have been dealing with this alot longer than we ever had to, but please know that there is hope and that you have people out there praying for you. Much love.