putting it all out there....

Well, I have not been very open about all that Cal and I have been going through on this blog, because at the time I didn't feel like it was something that I wanted to air out to everyone. Now, this has become a part of me, it is a part of who I am and a part of who Cal and I are. I haven't been posting because my mind has been on this certain thing that I didn't want to talk about. Not talking about this now is like not talking about the color of my hair...it is just simply part of me now. I am understanding now that this is MY blog....a way to scrapbook our life together. If I can't be honest, then what is the point in even having a blog. This blog is a place where I can let my feelings out, and I haven't been able to do that for not wanting to talk about what Cal and I are going through.
OK....so here it is....

For 19 months Cal and I have longed for a child only to be slapped in the face each month with the sad reality that yet again, we will not be parents month after month. We knew that something wasn't right after about 6 months. We just felt it in our bones. We had our 1st test run one year ago TODAY. (how ironic) Here is a run-down of what has happened from the beginning:

June 06- Cal and I got married.

2 years later....
June 08- made the decision to become parents! We were so excited!

July 08- looking at nursery furniture...haha

August 08- started taking my temp every morning- AWFUL

September 08- thought it would happen anyday

October 08- has it really not happened yet?

Nov. 08- visit to OBGYN- he told us not to worry....HA

Dec 08- started to worry- not having normal cycles.

Dec. 31st, 08- HSG (dye test run)- all was clear :)

Jan. 09- taking temp. every morning, doing ovualtion predictor tests

Feb.09- 2nd visit to OBGYN- blew me off- told me it would happen

March 09- finally visit Dr. Long at ART fertility clinic

April 09- did the clomid challenge with artificial insemination (or IUI) (negative)

May 09- natural cycle with IUI (negative)

June 09- Gonal F with IUI (negative)

July 09- break

August 09- natural cycle with IUI (negative)

*diagnosed with morphology issues, retroverted uterus, endometriosis, and annovulation

September 09- IVF appointment

October 09- controlled cycle due to annovualtion

November 09- started birth control for IVF

December 5, 09- started drugs for IVF

December 19, 09- 2 perfect blastocysts were transferred

December 28, 09- recieved positive pregancy results~ but levels are really low- praying hard

December 31, 09- miscarriage- the babies are in Heaven now...

And, now you can see how this process has now become a part of me- this is who I am, and I will no longer be ashamed of this. We have been very hush hush about it for so long, but now I simply cannot act like it is not happening. We have lost 2 babies now, and we can't act like they were never here. They were VERY here....I could feel it in my bones....I KNEW that I was pregnant, and I was. I also knew in my spirit when that baby or babies left me and went to Heaven. I tried so hard to say positive, but I just KNEW. I think it is so cool that God lets us women just know these things. I can say now that I was pregnant....I know what it felt like for only a fleeting moment, but I know in my heart that God will bless us with a pregnancy that will go to full term and we will give birth to a healthy, happy baby.

I do want to acknowledge the fact that we have 2 babies in Heaven now, and we are parents, no matter what. We will never forget how God has held us during this time. His Grace is sufficiant.

still clinging:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3: 20-21