Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The REAL me

This is me... this is the me that I see in my head when I think of myself...
(this pic was taken just months before I got pregnant with J and L)
 ...and then, I look into the mirror, and I see this...
(ok.... i am crying as I type this)
This has been a huge pill for me to swallow. I don't want this post to seem in any way vain or ungrateful, because believe me, I am so very grateful. I just miss that girl in the above picture... A LOT... every single day! I am trying my best to grab a hold of who I am now, and love that person... but it is SO hard. I am exactly what I aways said that I didn't want to be, but at the same time, I AM exactly what I always wanted to be. It is bittersweet. I now have those 2 babies that are so happy to be testing out their baby brother's new crib in the pic above. I am so blessed to have another precious life on the way. I always wanted to be a mother, but I had "rose colored glasses" about how all of that would look.
All of that said... I have MAJOR body image issues that I have GOT to hand over to God. I have no idea why I put on so much weight when I got pg with the twins... maybe it was the bed rest, the artificial hormones, or genetics (surely not from my mom, though). I don't know why, but I straight up... BLEW UP! I always wanted to be that cute energetic, skinny mom. Most of my friends are that mom that I always dreamed of being, and I, for some reason am not! I tried SO hard after I had the twins... but nothing happened. Even breastfeeding didn't do very much. I did lose 65 lbs.. but I still had about 30 that just wouldn't come off. I am glad it didn't now... because Reid was secretly on his way.
I have had so many comments lately about my size, and I am not even talking about people that knew that girl in the top picture... I'm talking strangers and people that I just met. I just have to vent and write some of these comments down... Here are a few things I have heard as of late....

"OH! you are only 26 weeks, I thought you were going to say you were due next month"
"Wow! My daughter in law is just as far as you, and you are twice her size"
"Every time I see you, you are fat!" (a family member)
"OH! I saw pics of you on FB and you used to be TINY!"
"Adair.. now, I don't think you should get any bigger than you are now!" (a family member)
"Adair.... are you SURE this isn't twins too... it sure looks like it!"
"Does your doctor say he is worried... like, are you measuring big?"
"When you are done having babies... no more balloon shape! (insert laughter)"
The list goes ON and ON....

I have been sincerely shocked by the things that people will say! I still want to be pretty, and I want my husband to think I am pretty just like every other woman in America, but it is like people think that because I am pregnant, I have lost all of the woman that is in me. I just want to scream, "I AM STILL ME" I still have feelings and I don't want to hear that you think I am big.

I know all of the excuses and facts..... I am showing early, because my stomach muscles were torn from stem to stern bc of the twins. I had not lost all of my baby weight, etc, etc.... But now, my goal is to just embrace who I am, thank God for what He has allowed my body to do (which is more than I thought it could do), and move on. Yes! I DO have plans to have that muscle repaired and work like mad to get back to the healthy size that I once knew... but now, my goals for doing that MUST be different. I only need to focus on HEALTH... throw the vanity out the window.... but this will be a lifetime goal. God will have to do this through me.


Emily said...

Adair, I can't believe the things people say either...especially when you are pregnant. It is like people think your pregnancy requires them to make stupid or rude comments or ask dumb/personal/rude questions. I think almost all of us struggle with body image issues and the difference between the idealistic image of what we thought parenthood would look like versus what it is at times. You are doing a great job. After all, you have grown 3 babies in the last two years. I am hoping to be able to get back into shape after the twins are here and I have recovered from the c section, but I know that is going to be so very hard!! I am a phone call or email away if you ever need to vent!! Emily

Puttin' On The GRITS said...

I wish I could just give you a big hug. You are beautiful and I can almost guarantee that your husband thinks you're even more beautiful after having your children. I know that doesn't help with the hurtful things people say and although I don't have any children, I think a lot of us can relate.
I know I can 100% relate to that skinny mom thing. I see these adorable little pregnant women- the ones who don't even look pregnant until you see their perfectly round popped out belly. I know that won't be me and that's one of my biggest fears of having kids. How shallow is that? I don't want my husband to think I'm fat.
I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

Ballentine said...

Oh sweet friend, I teared up reading this. Mean people are mean (that is a nugget of wisdom from the movie House Bunny, rent it, it's mindlessly funny and a great laugh). You are beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, and your family is gorgeous too! Pray about it, and cut yourself a break. And, know that there are plenty of people out here that follow you and are SO impressed with you, and how put together you are, and envy you!!! Thanks for sharing though, hugs, you're beautiful on the inside and out.

Ballentine said...

Oh, and if you ever want me to photo shop a picture for you, just email it to me. I am a wiz and making my arm about half the size and smoothing out cellulite :) No one is as put together as they seem online, and I'm sure as heck not above a little help from modern technology!

Alli and Korey said...

I am right there w you Adair! 3 babies in 3 years has done a number on me and i have days its hard to not be vain and even jelous of other moms/friends. But i have had to realize that i probably will never look like i did pre-baby again and to just be healthy for me and not expect my stomach to be flat again or the celulite to vanish. I struggle w it too but try to be proud of my body instead of hating it. And for the record i think u look GREAT!

Meg said...

Wow, I cannot believe some of the comments that were made towards you. Some of those people need to be punched in the face. I'm almost 3 months out from having my little man and I hate how I look, but it is what it is. I am trying my hardest to get comfortable with how I am now, you grow little Reid nice and strong--that's what is important. I'm thinking about you. :)