This is me... this is the me that I see in my head when I think of myself...
(this pic was taken just months before I got pregnant with J and L)
...and then, I look into the mirror, and I see this...
(ok.... i am crying as I type this)
All of that said... I have MAJOR body image issues that I have GOT to hand over to God. I have no idea why I put on so much weight when I got pg with the twins... maybe it was the bed rest, the artificial hormones, or genetics (surely not from my mom, though). I don't know why, but I straight up... BLEW UP! I always wanted to be that cute energetic, skinny mom. Most of my friends are that mom that I always dreamed of being, and I, for some reason am not! I tried SO hard after I had the twins... but nothing happened. Even breastfeeding didn't do very much. I did lose 65 lbs.. but I still had about 30 that just wouldn't come off. I am glad it didn't now... because Reid was secretly on his way.
I have had so many comments lately about my size, and I am not even talking about people that knew that girl in the top picture... I'm talking strangers and people that I just met. I just have to vent and write some of these comments down... Here are a few things I have heard as of late....
"OH! you are only 26 weeks, I thought you were going to say you were due next month"
"Wow! My daughter in law is just as far as you, and you are twice her size"
"Every time I see you, you are fat!" (a family member)
"OH! I saw pics of you on FB and you used to be TINY!"
"Adair.. now, I don't think you should get any bigger than you are now!" (a family member)
"Adair.... are you SURE this isn't twins too... it sure looks like it!"
"Does your doctor say he is worried... like, are you measuring big?"
"When you are done having babies... no more balloon shape! (insert laughter)"
The list goes ON and ON....
I have been sincerely shocked by the things that people will say! I still want to be pretty, and I want my husband to think I am pretty just like every other woman in America, but it is like people think that because I am pregnant, I have lost all of the woman that is in me. I just want to scream, "I AM STILL ME" I still have feelings and I don't want to hear that you think I am big.
I know all of the excuses and facts..... I am showing early, because my stomach muscles were torn from stem to stern bc of the twins. I had not lost all of my baby weight, etc, etc.... But now, my goal is to just embrace who I am, thank God for what He has allowed my body to do (which is more than I thought it could do), and move on. Yes! I DO have plans to have that muscle repaired and work like mad to get back to the healthy size that I once knew... but now, my goals for doing that MUST be different. I only need to focus on HEALTH... throw the vanity out the window.... but this will be a lifetime goal. God will have to do this through me.