Free

It is 2010...HOLY MOLY...I am going to turn 30 this year....we won't talk about that yet! ha

Cal's mom gave us this little figurine upon moving to Birmingham. We didn't know at the time how apropos it would be for our time in Bham at the time. "Holding onto Hope"!

I am so happy that I am now free to write about my feelings on my blog... I really wanted to start of this New Year with a heartfelt THANK YOU!!!! I cannot put into words how grateful we are for the outpouring of love and acts of service done by our friends and family during this trying time. We have had sweet friends bring over food for us during the time of my bed-rest after transfer. We have recieved multiple phone calls and even flowers from friends letting us know that they are thinking of us. I was also humbled by the friends that took time to write us sweet letters, comments and emails of encouragement. My mom and Cal's mom have supplied us with enough food that will last us for the next month...ha! We thank you SO much! All of this is really opening my eyes even more to the amount of love that people can show. It makes me want to be a better friend and a better person. Everything that is going on is making Cal and I grow so much as Christians and it makes us want to reach out more to others. Kind actions truly do have a ripple affect. All I can say is that I hope with all of my heart that I can be as good of a friend to you as you have all been to me. Humbling.....that is all I can say.

Cal has been such an amazing support system and I wanted to add some of his words to the blog. He sent me this email yesterday. What a strong man he is!

I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH, AND I WATCHED A DEVOTION THIS MORNING, and all it was talking about was faith, and that if we continue to do good and do God's will, he will bless us beyond all belief in his time, and she made a good point that we should not question while some prayers are answered in weeks and others are answered in years, but it is not our job to figure it out, follow his rules/commandments (including tithing) and we will be blessed !!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU !!

(I think I'll keep him..ha)

A sweet friend sent me this poem today (thank you Anne) and I want to add it to the blog to have as a "scrapbook" item. I know that God has our little angels in His arms and I know that one day when we get to Heaven- we will see their sweet faces.
Jesus is he with you?

I wonder every day

I sit and wonder why he's gone

And why he could not stay.
Every part of me is empty

I feel I can't go on

But then I look to heaven

I hear this beautiful song:
"Mommy I am with Him

He holds me in His arms

When ever I am with Him

He keeps me safe and warm.
He says you shouldn't worry

I am safe and loved right here.

With all the other baby angels

that passed within the years.
We have a special place up here

He thought that you should know.

Where the Blessed Mother takes

your place for now until you show."
When I hear this precious little voice

From the heavens above

I know that all the angels

are showering him with love
For everyone that wants to hear

their babies voice so innocent and sweet

Just close your eyes and begin to pray

and embrace them in your sleep.

putting it all out there....

Well, I have not been very open about all that Cal and I have been going through on this blog, because at the time I didn't feel like it was something that I wanted to air out to everyone. Now, this has become a part of me, it is a part of who I am and a part of who Cal and I are. I haven't been posting because my mind has been on this certain thing that I didn't want to talk about. Not talking about this now is like not talking about the color of my hair...it is just simply part of me now. I am understanding now that this is MY blog....a way to scrapbook our life together. If I can't be honest, then what is the point in even having a blog. This blog is a place where I can let my feelings out, and I haven't been able to do that for not wanting to talk about what Cal and I are going through.
OK....so here it is....

For 19 months Cal and I have longed for a child only to be slapped in the face each month with the sad reality that yet again, we will not be parents month after month. We knew that something wasn't right after about 6 months. We just felt it in our bones. We had our 1st test run one year ago TODAY. (how ironic) Here is a run-down of what has happened from the beginning:

June 06- Cal and I got married.

2 years later....
June 08- made the decision to become parents! We were so excited!

July 08- looking at nursery furniture...haha

August 08- started taking my temp every morning- AWFUL

September 08- thought it would happen anyday

October 08- has it really not happened yet?

Nov. 08- visit to OBGYN- he told us not to worry....HA

Dec 08- started to worry- not having normal cycles.

Dec. 31st, 08- HSG (dye test run)- all was clear :)

Jan. 09- taking temp. every morning, doing ovualtion predictor tests

Feb.09- 2nd visit to OBGYN- blew me off- told me it would happen

March 09- finally visit Dr. Long at ART fertility clinic

April 09- did the clomid challenge with artificial insemination (or IUI) (negative)

May 09- natural cycle with IUI (negative)

June 09- Gonal F with IUI (negative)

July 09- break

August 09- natural cycle with IUI (negative)

*diagnosed with morphology issues, retroverted uterus, endometriosis, and annovulation

September 09- IVF appointment

October 09- controlled cycle due to annovualtion

November 09- started birth control for IVF

December 5, 09- started drugs for IVF

December 19, 09- 2 perfect blastocysts were transferred

December 28, 09- recieved positive pregancy results~ but levels are really low- praying hard

December 31, 09- miscarriage- the babies are in Heaven now...

And, now you can see how this process has now become a part of me- this is who I am, and I will no longer be ashamed of this. We have been very hush hush about it for so long, but now I simply cannot act like it is not happening. We have lost 2 babies now, and we can't act like they were never here. They were VERY here....I could feel it in my bones....I KNEW that I was pregnant, and I was. I also knew in my spirit when that baby or babies left me and went to Heaven. I tried so hard to say positive, but I just KNEW. I think it is so cool that God lets us women just know these things. I can say now that I was pregnant....I know what it felt like for only a fleeting moment, but I know in my heart that God will bless us with a pregnancy that will go to full term and we will give birth to a healthy, happy baby.

I do want to acknowledge the fact that we have 2 babies in Heaven now, and we are parents, no matter what. We will never forget how God has held us during this time. His Grace is sufficiant.

still clinging:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3: 20-21

Christmas Card Carousel

I am participating in "Walk with me by Faith's" Christmas Card Carousel. So, here is The Laney's Christmas card this year~ Don't you just LOVE Christmas cards?!?

My sweet sorority sister, Natalie, from Sweet Lemon Designs, made these for us~ aren't they precious! They are ever cuter in person! They finally went in the mail today. This week has been crazy. I had a small procedure done on Monday and have been on the couch for most of the week. I can't wait to get back to school tomorrow and see all of the sweet smiling faces!

Let me know if you participated in the Christmas card carousel! I want to hop over to your blog and see them!

Happenings...

Saturday was my birthday, and I woke up to this beautiful site:

Snow just takes you back to child-hood, you know. That same giddy feeling goes from head to toe and you run downstairs to get a better look! What a great little birthday present from God. Cal was at the hunting camp, so I was by myself with God. I sat in front of the window with my cup of coffee and my Bible and just had the BEST time! It was an amazing morning.

Cal left an envelope for me before he left for the hunting camp that read on the front, "Do not open until Sat, Dec. 5th, A.M.

I actually waited to open it!!! VERY unlike me! I usually would have had that thing torn open by the time I got it in my hand.

I'm glad I waited, because I opened it with the pleasant surprise to see a gift certificate to have a massage. JUST what the Doctor ordered. (no pun intended)

Cal got home from the hunting camp at around noon and we had a great, relaxing day and went out for a GREAT meal at Flemmings.

Onto another note:

I'm sure most of you know about these amazing pieces of art:

I am obsessed with this stuff....if you have ever been to my house- you have seen TONS of it everywhere! It is called McCarty's pottery and is special to me because it is made from Mississippi mud. As we make our trail all over the U.S.- we take a piece of MS with us!

I got of set of 12 of these glasses!!! I am SOOO excited! Cal's parents gave me 6 and my parents gave me the other 6! Thanks Chuck and Suzan, and Mom & Dad!!!!! I LOVE them!!!!!

Just a funny picture to leave you with: This is what happens to "Mr. Cal" when he comes to visit my classroom....he is literally attacked! It is absolutely hillarious! He is a trooper! We LOOOOOOOVE Mr. Cal! We write about him, talk about him, send letters to him. Well, I have to agree, he is pretty amazing! :)

clinging....

...to this verse:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

We have had a crazy weekend! Cal and I have packed up all clutter, pictures, cleaned carpets, etc...this weekend to get ready to put our house on the market! We are officially putting it on the market in January, but if you happen to know of someone in the meantime that is looking for a home in Bham with a great view....this is the house!

Getting excited about our move...but of course sad about leaving our friends...and Bham!

a few thoughts...

Happy Sunday! This week has been a great one...very busy, but very productive. I have had a couple Junior League things to do this week and met a lot of new friends. Cal and I had a cook-out on Thursday night...and it was another "meat-off"....would you like a little meat with your meat? kind of meals! ha! Cal loves to cook out on his Big Green Egg (thanks Chuck/Dad!)

I am continuing to try to minimize things in my life, but it seems like every night I have some kind of a meeting! ha!

I am just having a few thoughts on this lazy Sunday, while I monogram! ha! I am just thinking about how great our God is and how the plans that he has for us are far beyond our feeble minds to grasp. I am stepping back and looking at all of the wonderful things he has place in our lives....an amazing family, a sweeeeet puppy, incredible friends and support system. Above all, I am so very grateful for the love and the bond that is between Cal and I. We can sit and talk for hours on a daily basis and NEVER run out of things to say! He is truly my best friend and I couldn't ask for more! Yesterday, he held me while I cried and never once asked me why, or what he could do to make me stop....he just simply understood!

I turned on the T.V. yesterday to see a program on the Christian channel about abortions. There was a ticker at the bottom of the screen that was counting each abortion that was taking place in the United States at that moment. When I turned on the TV, the program had been on for about 30 minutes, and in that 30 minute time over 700 abortions had taken place in our country. Where is the respect for life? What in the world in God thinking when Christian, loving, stable couples are forced to science in order to bare their own child, while millions of babies die daily? The answer to "What in the world is He thinking?" is simply....HE is not of this world! HE has great plans, and the people that are taking those lives will ultimately have to answer to HIM! We, as Christians, have to keep holding our heads up high and know that the plan HE has for us is immeasurable MORE than we can immagine!

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Hope is the belief in things unseen. HOPE: is the confident, joyful expectation that God is working, both NOW and IN THE FUTURE, for my good and for His glory.
Our biggest duty as Christians, and the hardest thing, is to have FAITH and trust that God is performing His will, even if we are unable to see it yet....that is HOPE!

We will wait on God expectantly!
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! (I will see God work in my lifetime...but it may not be OUR plan)
Wait on the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; WAIT FOR THE LORD!!! Psalms 27: 13-14
We look forward in eagar expectation, but chose to live each day like it will be our last!

REMEMBER whose hand is on the wheel as we drive up this winding path!

Jimpkin, Jumpkin....We all got a PUMPKIN!

We had a fun filled day at the Pumpkin Patch today! The K kids LOVED every minute of it!

oh...the cuteness is just too much! Don't you want to just squeeze these little cheeks!Climbing the "hay mountain"...they made a slide and had OH so much fun!

JIMPKIN.....

JUMPKIN...

We ALL got a PUMPKIN!!!